Hallelujah A LAW AND ORDER CI STORY
by shallwedance9
Summary: Just a story of Alex and Bobby. Of finding and losing, of love and hate. Of fixing and breaking, and of Hallelujuah.
1. Chapter 1

_Now I've heard there was a secret chord  
That David played, and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do you?  
It goes like this  
The fourth, the fifth  
The minor fall, the major lift  
The baffled king composing  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
Hallelujah  
_

_Bobbyspov_

I missed her. Desperately. Needingly. Wantingly. Her. Alex. Alex Eames. And it was wrong of me. Wrong of me because there was no reason to miss her, we were just partners. That had stung "just partners". Those were her exact words she'd said to Ross when she thought I wasn't listening. I should leave. Leave the 1PP and not come back. It would be the best for both of us definitly. But my heart ached at the thought of leaving _her_ alone and helpless. Well she really wasn't that helpless, but looking at her ever since...Declan and Jo, I could hardly sleep without nightmares of her in the trunk of that car. Her body dead and lifeless. I couldn't, can't, bare to leave her. _She'll _have to leave _me _is all. I looked at the clock, 5:00am. Damn, I haven't gotten any sleep at all. I dread going to work, having to be near her but far away. So so far away.

Well, your faith was strong, but you needed proof  
You saw her bathing on the roof  
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya  
And she tied you to her kitchen chair  
she broke your throne she cut your hair  
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, baby, I've been here before  
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor  
You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya  
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
And love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

In nobodys POV but about Alex

"I hate him I HATE him I hate him!" She muttered. "Love him, want him, need him," she whispered desperatly, despairingly. What good does that do she wondered? What does it matter that I can't sleep without knowing hes okay. What does it matter every time I close my eyes I see _him_, and of course there was only one him, Bobby. She thought about it. It doesnt matter, she concluded. I'll just go to sleep and dream of him and then get up and go to work and pretend I don't notice him, his every move, his every facial expression. She shuddered at the thought of him leaving. She knew he'd been thinking about it. Leaving, getting a new partner. A better prettier, smarter, nicer, equipped shining star, partner. He can't though, I couldnt go on without him and that is... just how it is. He wouldn't leave me, would he? She questioned herself about that, alot. She sighed and glanced at the clock. 5:00am. Damn, I slept exactly 2 hours. 2hours filled with pictures of him, us. She swallowed unhappily. Better get used to it, Eames. This'll be your regular routine. Get up from your nonexsistent sleep, go to work, see him, ignore him, go home drink, dream of him, wake up and do it again. I hurt him too though and I know it. "Just partners" is what I had said to Ross, making surealbeit casuallyBobby heard. It hurt him, though not on the level it hurt me. It could never hurt him as much as it did me. I loved him, God I loved him. And he, he...we were friends. In his opinion. She told herself this over and over. Better get dressed,she told herself. Better get up and go, Go be tortured and suffer. Go need him so blatantly. Go be a fool. But be sure to be acid like to him as much as you can else he figure it out, she sighed and began to cry. She fell to her knees in her bathroom and cried like a child. A motherless child, lost and broken. Thats what I am, she thought bitterly, a lost child. I wait for him to find me, knowing he never will.

Well, there was a time when you let me know  
What's really going on below  
But now you never show that to me, do ya  
And remember when I moved in you  
the holy dove was moving too  
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, maybe there is a God above  
But all I've ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya  
And it's not a cry that you hear at night  
It's not somebody who's seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, oh Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah


	2. Chapter 2

"Never think  
What's in your heart  
What's in our home  
That's all I want

You'll learn to hate me  
But you still call me baby  
Oh Lord  
Just call me by my name

And oh, save your soul  
save your soul  
Before you're too far gone  
Before nothing can be done

I'll try to decide when  
Shall I win  
I ain't got no fight in me  
In this whole damn world  
To tell you to hold off  
But you still hold on  
It's the one thing that I known"

Bobby's pov

Concentrate on work, Goren. Not her. Not her smell. Not her movements. Not her voice, work. _**Case file 27657: Scene Thompson's Bakery. Robbery, arsen, and three murders. Susp--**_She moved and I looked up. DAMN. Work, I think desperately, just please work dammit. I can't though. Actually I can hardly breathe. She smiles at me. Not a real Eames smile. Just a regular snarky smirk actually, one she reserved for suspects, until now obviously. Still it was improvement, but of course my suprise would hardly let me respond in time for her to see. I smiled brilliantly at her. "Hope Ross saw our comraderie," she murmured. I laughed, and I was shocked at how bitter it sounded. It must have shocked her to for she looked up quickly. "Bobby I--,"she said, and abruptly she stopped. She looked down and said," Im going to go to lunch, want to--want me to get you something?" Not come with me, bring you something back she said. Not accompany her. Probably she already had someone else to go with her. Yes most likely. "No thank you Eames, Im not particularly hungry" I said. Which was true, really. She got her stuff and left. I sighed inwardly, atleast I'll be able to get work done now.

6:00 pm came fast though, to fast, and I relished it and dreaded it at the same time. Leaving her, being free from her power. Also leaving her and being without her. Her well her herness. Her Eamesness. I grab my coat as I walk briskly to the elevator. From the elevator to the door. From the door to my car. Almost made it. Almost away from her, almost there. I'm terrible. I should want to talk to her. I can't though. I just can't. She thinks she's inlove with me. Inlove with me, thats whats terrible. I'll destroy her. Break her. Says she's imcomplete without me. She doesn't know what that is. Her "feelings" are a shadow, a mere shadow, compared to what mine are for her. Hand on car door. "Bobby, wait!" I hear her say. NO! My instincts say leave go now. Before you have no other choice but to stay. Of course I stay. I know I'll always stay. Wherever she is, I'll stay. I turn around slow. A smile on my face, one of pain and weariness. "Can we talk?" she asks. "We can always talk, Eames" "Ok, well....I Bobby," she trails off. This time I smile a real smile. Eames is never speechless or without some sort of remark. She breathed deeply. "You asked for a new partner,"she whispered. I flinched, how did she know that? She obviously saw my reaction because she smiled, more of a grimance actually. "I wanted to tell you that...that you don't have to leave. We can work it out. Please don't....don't just leave me like this. We will work it out! If we can't then _I'll _leave. Not you, Bobby, never you. You can't just leave me. After all, we fit together. I know you. You know me. I _need _you. Im selfish really. For not letting you leave. For begging like this. Dammit Bobby I--," I cut her off. "Don't," I snapped,"say you love me, you don't love me." She shrunk back from my words. Like I'd slapped her. As if I'd ever hurt her. But I already had it seemed. "Ok,"I said softly, kinder,"we'll work it out, no problem, Eames." Her whole face lightened up. Like she'd won a prize. Some prize, I thought, if its me. She smiled, no grinned. A real true Alex grin. "Bobby, thank you, thank you for this," she whispered, and she leaned in and put her arms around me. I stiffened for a moment. Maybe if i stayed stiff, she'd let go, I couldn't, wouldn't stand her being so close for long anymore. She didn't let go though. I closed my eyes and hugged her back, tightly. For God and everybody else knows, I love her.

" Once I put my coat on  
I'm coming out of this all wrong  
She's standing outside holding me  
She's saying oh please  
I'm in love  
I'm in love

Girl save your soul  
Save your soul  
Before you're too far gone  
And before nothing can be done

'Cause without me  
You got it all  
So hold on  
Without me you got it all  
So hold on  
Without me you got it all  
Without me you got it all  
So hold on  
Without me you got it all  
So hold on  
Without me you got it all  
So hold on  
Hold on"

Alex's pov

On the drive home all I could think of was Bobby. Today was definite progress. Although he still wouldn't let me say it, that I loved him, that I was in love with him, he forgave me. We are friends again. Tentive friends, but friends nothingless. I clenched my teeth tightly to keep from screaming. He thinks I don't love him. He's wrong. Dead wrong. I do. I will and always will. Never will I let him go. Thats why I pleaded, begged like a homeless street urchin needing money, for him to reconsider getting a new partner. I am pathetic. He obviously doesn't feel the same way about me. I need to let him move on. I can't though. And I know it. It was true what I said, about being selfish. I'd never let him go. They'd have to kill me first and then pry him out of my dead hands. How could I let him go. He was a part of me. I'd die without him. I would walk around like a zombie. Devoid of all life, purpose, passion. Life would hold no meaning for me without him in it. The job would be tough. Maybe to tough. For I know now. I am sure. Im sure that I'd do anything to save him in the face of danger. Even if it letting a suspect go, or a person die. Nothing mattered when compared to him. I was, am, and will be, ruthless in protecting him. I'd kill myself before I'd let him die. It's odd. For me to feel this way, but then it has always been there. The feelings just laid dormant. Now though, they are awake, and it is a raging burning fire. A flaming hot and a bitterly cold ache. I need him. Its worse than a drug. A drug you can, though almost impossibly, quit. He's more than a drug. He's my sun, my air. It was 10 minutes before I realized that I was at my house. I sighed and gingerly heaved myself out of the care. Into the house I go. After I did everything, ate, showered, brushed my teeth, and laid out my clothes for work, I slipped into bed to think. Think of Bobby. Why must I feel this way! Why why why! Why can't I hate him. I ponder this. Because it's impossible for me to hate him, I answer myself, he's a part of me, can't really hate yourself. I sigh, so so true. Why do I have to be right all the time? I smile, well atleast thats a comfort, I suppose, I _am _right most of the time. I close my eyes and sleep. Only to dream again, of him. Always of him


	3. Chapter 3

"  
Come to me, run to me  
Do and be done with me  
(Cold cold cold)  
Don't I exist for you  
Don't I still live for you  
(Cold cold cold)  
Everything I possess  
Given with tenderness  
Wrapped in a ribbon of glass  
Time it may take us but God only knows  
How I've paid for those things in the past

Dying is easy it's living that scares me to death  
I could be so content hearing the sound of your breath  
Cold is the colour of crystal the snowlight  
That falls from the heavenly skies  
Catch me and let me dive under  
For I want to swim in the pools of your eyes

I want to be with you baby  
Slip me inside of your heart  
Don't I belong to you baby  
Don't you know that nothing can tear us apart  
Come on now come on now come on now  
Telling you that  
I loved you right from the start...  
But the more I want you the less I get  
Ain't that just the way things are...

Winter has frozen us  
Let love take hold of us  
(Cold cold cold)  
Now we are shivering  
Blue ice is glittering  
(Cold cold cold)

Cold is the colour of crystal the snowlight  
That falls from the heavenly skies  
Catch me and let me dive under  
For I want to swim in the pools of your eyes

Alex's POV 5:00AM getting ready for work

I had more nightmares than usual last night after Bobby and I...reconcilled. I dreamt of being trapped and of being in the hospital. I hate hospitals. It's death in a physical element. I also had a good dream, just a small one, nothing really. I dreamed of Bobby the first day we met. We weren't very close for the first couple of years, but looking back on it now, we seemed to gravitate around eachother. In pictures, we seem to balance the other out and compliment the other. Most of my memories from back then aren't very vivid, but the ones that are all have him in them. I hate to say it or think it. It's so very cliche`, but I've been in love with him since then. Our fights are painful to think about or look back on because I hate to think about anything hurting him, especially me. And do I hurt him alot, yes I do. I stop a shudder as it creeps along my shoulders when I remember the night I told him I wanted him. He was furious, so furious.

"FLASH BACK"

I can't believe I just said that. Said that I wanted him, and loved him. I just got out of the hospital; drugs, torture, and hysteria ensure me a few moments of insanity, don't they? He drug me to his car and slung me into the passengers side. Obviously not. "Bobby,"I whisper. "Don't talk," he says, no snaps, darkly. It took less than 10 minutes to get to his apartment. I've never really been in his apartment before, until now, I reflected. Its very Bobby. Clean, with books neatly strewn(how can anything be neatly strewn) across his coffee table. I glanced at his wall and sucked in a deep breath, on there was a picture of us. A good picture of us. His arm hung carelessly around my shoulder and my hand in his front pocket. He looked good then better than me. I look at him and still he looks better than me.

I turned around slowly to catch his eyes because he's been staring at me and I can't avoid it any longer. " Bobby," I began in a dead lifeless tone," Im sorry I was callous with your feelings and mine. It was selfish of me to tell you such a thing, I won't ever--. He cut me off with his lips. I was so shocked I didn't react instantly, but then I did and it was ruthless. I attacked him like, like an animal. He weathered my abuse and came back with an animalistic almost primial rage of his own. I pulled him to his room and shut the door. It was completely dark.

"END FLASH BACK"

I can't bare to recall the rest of it. There was blood drawn that night. In our rage and fury we drew blood from the other and blood was on the sheets when I left. Yes, I left him after that. I felt terrible. Worse than terrible. I cannot even begin to describe the agony that gripped me when I left him. I shouldn't have left him. He needed me and I needed him beyond possible. Still need him. I WILL make him see he needs me too! I will make him love me again. I'd rather die than live without him. I know yet again I shudder to use such overly used sentiments. But it is all I have to describe, not really to describe, its all I have to come close to what I feel about him. I'll make him see, make no mistake about that. I will, I have to. For what am I without him, and what is he without me? Nothing, thats what. Absolutely nothing at all.

Bobby's POV

Have you ever woke up in the night and not been able to breathe because of the agony? I have, tonight and many nights before that. Its always the same nightmare. Alexs's body in the back of that car, not someone elses. Thank God it really was someone elses. Its horrible, to be happy someone else has died in the place of another. I can't help it though. I'd die without her. I'm always alone, but she eases the pain, a drug if you will, or alcohol. Addictive and painful after it fades, but while it lasts, ahh. Tremendous. I drag myself to work and I have to drag myself away. Not from work, its not work I love at all. Its her. I wish she would leave me, the practical side wishes she'd leave me, but the sensible side knows she can't leave me. I'd be nothing then. Nothing without her. Nothing at all

Song "cold" annie lennox

I don't OWN NETHING!

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! THANKS :)


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